Interest and Positions

• Our public stand, or our position, is not necessarily what we’re most deeply concerned about, nor what we really want, need, hope, or fear. (Our big concern might be watching a movie we like; our position might be that it’s our night to choose.)
• In a difficult interpersonal or organizational situation, we typically discuss, debate, challenge, argue, or fight about this position, or public stand, rather than discussing our real concerns – our underlying interests. (We argue about whose night it is to choose.)
• By the end of a conversation, positions – or public stands – can at best be compromised or conceded, if they are not altogether ignored or rejected.  And whether in working with volunteers, activists, community members, program participants or politicians, between board and staff or among staff members, even if our stand prevails, our interests may not be met. (We win, and we choose the movie, but it sucks, and we’ve pissed off our loved ones.)
• A discussion of interests can lead to better understanding, creative problem-solving, and opportunities for building relationship.

Inquiry and Advocacy:

• Those of us who assume leadership positions, or who are activists or organizers, are very good at advocating our cause. This is an important and useful skill.
• Sometimes we apply these advocacy and influencing skills to try to get others to accept our perspectives, to change their minds.  This is also very useful.
• Advocacy is useless, however, when our discussion partner(s) are also advocating. 
• When we do listen to one another, it is because we have become curious about the other.  Whether passively or actively, we are wondering what they are thinking or why.  We have entered inquiry mode.
• We can become vastly more effective in influencing others if we understand what makes them be the way they are.
• Being experts at inquiry also increases our power to conduct more respectful and productive conversations.  This is true whether the desired “product” of the conversation is transformed relationship, better understanding, or actually trying to solve a problem, big or small.
• The key to inquiry is genuine curiosity.  This requires looking deeply at your own thoughts on an ongoing basis as you listen to the other person.
• One way to become more curious is to change a rhetorical question to a real one:  instead of crying, “How could she possibly say such a thing?!” ask “I wonder what would make her say such a thing?”
• It is also helpful to check your body, your posture, your breathing – and sit back openly to receive the other person’s personal stories.
• Ask open-ended questions:  why, how, help me understand, tell me more… And then listen, truly, deeply, with genuine curiosity, to what life is like for that person.

Know and Tell:

• We can easily see “rank” working in society—some groups have more power than others. We unconsciously see them as “ranking” higher. Some rank lower.
• Powerful groups set the social and economic rules for down-rank groups.
• Rank functions inside organizations too. We know it even when we don’t have a name for it.
• People don’t choose to be part of up-rank or down-rank groups, but this ranking forms almost naturally, because of the history of how society’s economy, politics and social norms are set up.
• When down-rank groups try to get the rules changed, the rule-makers, who are up-rank, rarely hear them, let alone agree, let alone make the changes. In society and in groups, things frequently stay this way for a long time.
• To get more power, down-rank groups may band together to get the attention of up-rank groups. That typically feels more like noise, or clutter, to an up-rank group, at least at first.
• When up-rank people become aware of the ranking system, and call others’ attention to it, they make more room for the power of down-rank groups.