How to Vet a Mediator

1. Meeting the Need: First of all, make sure you have a sense of the kind of help you actually need. There are a lot of kinds of help you can receive - there is individual therapy or couples therapy, when you need to dive into deeply personal work that likely includes facing and healing areas of trauma; there is legal mediation when you negotiating the terms of a legal relationship like marriage or property; there are transformative justice processes that help to hold space for scenarios where abuse is present or egregious harm has happened which would otherwise be handled by the state (rape, theft of property, domestic violence, various kinds of abuse) {link to Fumbling Towards Repair}; and then there is mediation, the kind of community mediation that most of the people on this list practice, where you and another person or group are struggling to understand each other, to hear each other, or to find a way forward from vastly different opinions or perspectives on an issue. Making sure you as clear as you can be about the kind of help you need. A good mediator will ask what you need, and if they aren’t the right fit, will direct you towards the right professionals to help you.
2. Availability: Make sure the potential mediator is available relatively soon, while your need is clear and relevant. Also make sure that they are available for multiple sessions if you sense that that if what your conflict will need. Finally, if you have non-negotiable scheduling concerns, share those upfront - some people can only meet during workday hours, some can do evenings or weekends.
3. Identity: Key aspects of identity may matter to you, and to the conversation that needs to be had. Highly skilled mediators can usually hold the conversation regardless of shared or different identities, but it can make a spiritual or cultural difference to be held by someone who shares identity with the participants, particularly in arenas where there could be power dynamics to negotiate. For instance, if a conflict is around patriarchy, it might be more useful to have a femme/woman mediator to hold the conversation. If the conversation is racially charged, it may be more effective to have a person of color holding the conversation. Again, this may not be necessary depending on either the conversation or the skill level, but this list identifies those who are available to support conflict on /black community and communities of color.
4. Listening for the Necessary Conversation: Your mediator should either ask for pre-conversations with each of the participants in the mediation, or ask for each of you to send an email or voice memo explaining what you understand about the conflict. When we are in a conflict, we can see everything as equally worthy of our attention. Your mediator should be able to help you prioritize the conversation that will either resolve the conflict, change the dynamics, or lead towards a clear boundary. Once you have shared what you know of the conflict, the mediator can let you both/all know that they feel a mediation is possible, and possible which way we are headed.
5. Setting the Scene: There are so many settings in which to have these kinds of conversations. So many paces, so many tones. It’s fine to ask the mediator about how they will set up the space, and to make requests if you have a sense of what will make the conversation most possible - do you need a slow or fast pace, room to breathe, ways to clear the energy as it builds (candles, cedar, sage, etc), space to meander or strong guidance, and so on.
6. Sense of Completion: You can ask the mediator how you will know that the process is complete. Some mediators solely work in single sessions and you just get to where you get in that session, and it is often very focused and efficient. Other mediators will stay in a session through a few rounds of content, or schedule multiple sessions. Other mediators get agreement on the desired outcomes beforehand. Find out if this mediator’s sense of completion aligns with what you anticipate in your needs.
7. You Can Change: If you get into the session after all this vetting and it doesn’t feel safe or effective, you can pause the session, and you can name that it isn’t working. You deserve to have your need for resolution met, and if it becomes clear that this mediator isn’t the right match for your need, you can stop the session. Be conscious that you are not stopping simply because you are uncomfortable - conflict is uncomfortable for most of us, even when we want to be there and really feel like we need to address it.